I’m lucky, and I’ll admit it. Right now gamers, I live… in a house. Not because I own the place, I’m a writer and translator, I couldn’t own a house even if I worked at capacity for sixty straight years, and you know what? I don’t even care that much. I don’t have to pay homeowners insurance this way. So yeah, I’d call that lucky. I’m grateful to be where I am.

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Now that said, rent ain’t getting any cheaper for any of us any time soon, and seeing as how that includes me and my rented house from the 1950s that I pay 2020s prices to live in on a monthly basis, I’ve been thinking lately about just how good some of these so-called “haunted” houses I’ve been exploring in games would make for actual living. Forget moving out of the haunted house. If the rent is cheap, I’m ready to start moving in!

6 Spencer Mansion

From Resident Evil

I don’t particularly care about the aggressive neighbors I’d surely have in the Spencer Mansion, especially since I don’t tend to leave my room as it is. Realistically, I see the issue of what I’m going to do for food very quickly becoming a problem for my Doordash driver to solve, and that just leaves the viral outbreak to deal with on my end.

I have just the worst luck when it comes to catching colds, so I’m sure I’d catch the T-virus sooner rather than later no matter what I did, but if Resident Evil 2 taught me anything, it’s that I’d end up catching the t-virus eventually even if I didn’t live near the source of the outbreak, which just sort of leads me to the conclusion that if it was going to happen to me eventually, I might as well be one of the first to go.

The real problem here is the lack of security on the WiFi (having a government-facilitated science lab in the basement of your house means the CIA is always looking at your search history…not that I have anything to hide, of course). At the very least, I can’t see the Spencer Mansion having a terribly long lease agreement, so I could probably move out or just die before sinking too much money into this place.

All things considered, I would live in the Spencer Mansion for a monthly rental payment in the ballpark of $350, which includes water and electricity in the bill. I’d also consider paying $375 per month if the mansion promised access to a VPN.

5 The Barrows Family Manor

From Clock Tower

Okay, so yes, there’s a lot to be said about the Barrows family and their dubious adoption practices, but it’s never really been my business to care what my landlord does in their free time. What I care significantly more about is that freaky little dude and his freaky little scissors waddling around the place and hiding…pretty much wherever he feels like it.

Now, I think I’ve figured out a solution to that problem. Yes, the Scissorman (real name: Bobby Barrows) is a bit on the murder-you-with-giant-clippers side, but that’s just because he hasn’t found a more productive use for his scissors yet. I happen to like gardening enough to have some dead plants in my windowseals as it is, so I’m thinking Mr. Barrows and I could learn topiary care and run a plant trimming business together. That way, he won’t be as stabby with his pointy things at night, and I can sleep easy.

4:41

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Of course, there’s the built-in alarm system provided by the game’s titular clock tower. On the one hand, yeah, it’s nice to have a wake-up call, but on the other, the less my living space controls my habits for me, the better, and I’m sure this would become annoying before too long.

I’d take a one-year lease at the Barrows Manor, charging me $300 per month, not including utilities fees, or $600 all-inclusive. …I’d also like some earplugs, please.

4 Spooky’s Jumpscare Mansion

From…Well, You Know

Is it profusely annoying to get jumpscared all the time? Yes. Is the floor plan a nightmare? Yes, very much so. In a situation where a fire breaks out in the house, I am screwed. That said, is it the worst living space in the world? No. Not at all.

Most of the rooms are actually empty, so as long as I’m not renting the creepy Silent Hill suite or something like that, there really wouldn’t be much to worry about aside from those silly cardboard cutouts. That said, there are some serious problems with Spooky’s Jumpscare Mansion as far as living space goes. While food is provided at the in-house restaurant, I’d also have to deal with whatever it is that’s in that area every time I went there, which isn’t ideal.

The other way more serious problem, I might add, is that I’m pretty sure the only bathroom in the entire house is in the Japanese school interior area, which could be anywhere from rooms 100 to 199 depending on Spooky’s mood that day and how much she wants to mess with me. Having to deal with that does sour the offer somewhat, unfortunately.

That said, I’d happily deal with that if I only had to pay $50 to $70 bucks a month for rent for room 99. It’s close to the bathroom (give or take), close to the exit, and populated only by cardboard jumpscares. Sign me up, Spooky.

3 Woodside Apartment Complex

From Silent Hill 2

Silent Hill is a nice, quiet neighborhood with friendly townsfolk and lots to do. Plus, there’s always someone who wants to move out of Woodside for whatever reason, so it probably wouldn’t take all that long to get an apartment and get settled in. Exactly how “settled” a person can be in Silent Hill will vary greatly, but I face my inner demons all the time, so what do I care if they show up again?

Heck, if my inner demons make my rent cheaper, I’ll put up with them all the live long day! If Scott Pilgrim taught me anything, it’s that I can probably just talk it out with most of these guys and meet up for lunch at Gonzole’s Mexican Restaurant every other week or something. The cockroaches, on the other hand… those are a bit harder to deal with, I gotta admit.

5:52

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I’ve lived in places with pest problems before, and if you have, too, you’ll know how awful that can be. The mere sight of a roach in the house gives me hives, so unless Woodside sees frequent visits from our friendly neighborhood exterminator, I’m not paying any more than $350 monthly, especially given the small size of the apartments here.

Also, the apartments all seem to come pre-furnished, which thankfully means I don’t have to worry about trying to get furniture that matches the signature “flavors of rust” aesthetic the complex is known for.

2 Mamiya Mansion

From Sweet Home

The nice thing about the Mamiya mansion is that it’s not big enough for multiple renters and the lack of modern safety features means that there’s probably not much competition to be had with other potential buyers. That means I get to have the whole place to myself, only sharing it with the countless hoards of literal Hell demons, and that’s not so bad once you get used to the regular possessions and such.

What makes me far more uncomfortable than the vengeful spirits is the dungeon in the basement. I’m neither going in there with a UV light nor touching anything in it without a biohazard suit for obvious reasons, but hey, since the spirits probably don’t mind the dungeon as much as I do, they can hang out there if they like while I keep the rest of the house to myself. It’s certainly big enough to house them all.

A contractor might say the house is “falling apart” and “not fit for occupants,” but you know what I say? The house has a delightful open-floor design, and the numerous holes really help with airflow during the summer months. It’s probably a bit chilly in the winter, but that’s nothing a hoodie or coat can’t fix.

I’d happily rent the Mamiya mansion for a monthly rental fee of $70 or less with a two-year lease agreement.

1 Luigi’s Mansion

From The First Game, Specifically

Luigi’s Mansion is far from the worst video game haunted house out there, honestly speaking. It’s warm, inviting, and the only residents are just your typical ghosts, and they won’t bother you if you don’t bother them.

I don’t mind sharing my living space with ghosts at all, least of all the various friendly painting spirits in the mansion. We can play Super Smash Bros. together. That’s how we’ll decide who gets to keep the master bedroom. I do wish Polterpup would show up here, too. That’s a bit of a let down, but I’m sure Polterpup and Luigi both would be happy to visit every now and again, so there’s that.

You might think Boos are a bit of an issue, but here’s the thing about those: if you look at them, they can’t hurt you. Just put mirrors up everywhere, and you’ll be fine. Plus, Boos don’t strike me as the kind of ghosts that want to do you harm anyway. Moreso, they just play tricks and whatnot.

Also, and this is the best part right here, rent on this place is free! You win it! I don’t know about you, but I would already have my bags packed and be on my way before I even finished reading the letter telling me I’d won, and hey, even if I ended up as a painting, at least I’d look great above the mantel.

6:39

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